My missionaries…

No, I don’t actually own missionaries,  seconday I’m not Mormon. So I guess this needs a little more explanation.  So let me take you back a few years…

You’ve seen the young men with white shirts, black pants and ties wandering around your neighborhood.  Some people think Jehova witness, they’re not. Not that the religion matters, in this blog anyways. But I’m going to introduce a few unbelievable young men to whatever readers I may have.

I won’t give their first names, as they have the right to privacy,  they’ll be referred to as Elders. So let me explain how wonderful these young 3 men are. I met several,  all were kind but these 3 stole my heart. Elder Hudson…was walking by one of my old neighborhoods. At this point in my life, I was struggling with newfound sobriety, extreme depression,  I never left my house.  I sat on my roof…literally.  He and another elder, walked by our house several days and I yelled down ….”How is it you believe your faith is the right one” he answered.  No, I’m NOT telling you what he said. If you want answers you need to seek them yourself.  Several times he walked by day after day, I think now, that it was intentional.  See; he realized I had questions and made it possible to ask them.  Some were honest questions,  some asked by roommates were, well….a bit crass. But, if you know my family they should be totally expected. Eventually after weeks, it was hot as hell out, I invited Elder Hudson and Badger in. I gave them Kool aid. They stayed for over an hour. Answering questions,  talking about their life, prior to being missionaries and while being missionaries. I got to know them, as people. And Elder Hudson, became my friend. Eventually as time went by, I made them dinner and desserts. I grew to enjoy their visits. Despite our wildly difference of religions and opinions. Unfortunately,  missionaries are moved into new areas quite often, and his time to guide and teach new people came. When his last day with our family came, we all took it hard. But, me especially.  I grew to love these young men, and I would miss them.  I told Elder Hudson, what an incredible young man he was, how blessed I was to learn from him. How much I would miss his smile. I thanked him for not judging my crazy little family.  He asked that the next missionaries,  be given a chance,  and I vowed that I would give them that.  I did. More on that in a minute.  Now, I know that missionaries have certain rules, and my goal in life is pretty much ignoring rules that won’t land me in prison. I hugged Elder Hudson goodbye, told him he was loved and would be missed and that it was his time to reach new people. He reluctantly agreed. But I know that he found more people to befriend and care for. We still keep in touch,  and I wish that I could have made it to his wedding. But, he called me after the ceremony before he went on his honeymoon.  That meant a lot to me. He’s still a wonderful kid, I still miss him very much. I wish I could see him in person, and tell him how proud I am of what a wonderful man he’s become.  It’s still hard to see him as a married man, when I still view him as like one of my own. 

Now onto Elder Chisholm and Shipp. Lol. What can I say, other than this.  I love those two so much. Shipp and I talk almost everyday. These two, when it came to bending rules…definitely broke the mold.  We shared so many crazy memories I would need to start a whole new blog to cover it. And we managed this in less than a year’s time. They stayed in my haunted house, played video games ( my son agreed to read scripture from The book of Mormon) only if they played a game with him. They managed to gracefully run from hannafords after one of my kids broke wine bottles, break curfews because of many crises happening in my house at the time.  Get me to appointments that LITERALLY saved a life. That’s not said lightly.  How do you thank two young men, for giving someone their life back?? Knowing they were risking getting in trouble,  but putting protocol aside, because sometimes, love and compassion overrides rules and expectations. There were very few days where I didn’t see these two. We celebrated and baked each other cakes. ( Elder Chisholms and mine are days apart) we dressed up ….why so serious? We ate several dinners , had a million conversations.  And through it all, they continued to teach us, all of us. One of my favorite stories is in a church….lol. I hadn’t stepped into a church aside from funerals,  since I was a teenager.  I went to hear Elder Shipp speak. I’m sorry I forgot what it’s called now. Now I managed to hear all of it, and did well. Despite being hugged as soon as I walked in…..uh huh. I did that for them lol. Well after, they do something similar to communion.  Water and bread. So…I decided I might as well try it. I take the bread, eat it drink the water and Alex, my son says…” how did the bread taste” my response…”it tastes like Jesus” I get it. It’s not THAT funny. However what took place after I’ll remember forever.  I started giggling. And then…couldn’t stop. It’s like a scene in a movie. Where you’re trying to stop and it keeps getting worse. Then the kids started. By the time I excused myself, I had tears streaming down my face, my nose was running and I had held my breath so long I was dizzy. I literally had to refrain from going back into the room until service was over. Needless to say, I never went back but was genuinely happy I went. I wanted them to see how important they were to us, as a family.  Again, the time came to say goodbye. With Elder Hudson, it was hard but losing these two was utterly devastating. Alex and Brianna had become very attached to them.  They learned a lot from them, allowed them to get close. Alex said he’d never befriend another missionary. He never did. They impacted our lives,  in so many ways that we could never explain.  They are the reason,  our family is still a family. Why we’ve continually improved. Not because of The book of Mormon, not because I went to church, but because they were there. To listen, to love, and to give peace of mind when everything was goinformed to shit. Elder Chisholm also invited me to his wedding,  another sadly I could not attend.  But just as in Elder Hudsons, I was there in heart and spirit. I gave him advice,  on what NOT to do in his marriage and things he should never forget to continue to do. I hope to see him soon, so I can talk to him like we used to. So I can show him, what he was a part of changing. I miss him very much. Now Shipp….when I see him, we have a lifetime to spend goofing off and being us but I suck at expressing emotion in person. I know he’ll read this and that’s good for now. If I had any thing I could say to him, it would be this. Shipp, you’re so much stronger than you realize.  You are loved more than you’ll ever see. The impact you’ve had on so many lives, you will never truly recognize or know. No matter where you go in life, you will be a beacon of hope and light, just by being the wonderful person you are. I know that life hasn’t handed you the best hands, but you have handled each obstacles with grace and acceptance, its because of that,  that I KNOW you will persevere through it all. You are never alone, as long as we draw breath, you have a family that loves you for all you are, and all you are not. 

I love my missionaries. I miss you all.

Mom.

 

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So I’ve taken to talking to myself….

This really isn’t a new development, I have children which means I’ve pretty much been talking to myself off and on for almost 21 years…fuck I’m old. I guess why I’m bringing it up is because I’ve noticed it more. Prime example,  I’m watching Steve Wilkos, shut up and quit judging.  I need to laugh once in awhile too. Anyways back to my “noticing” it. So it’s lie detectors. I’ll wait for the shock to wear off……….

…………………………..ok. We good? Good. Yeah so I’m literally talking to the fucking television.  Like Steve is gonna turn to me and say ” Yeah she is a clueless bitch Tammy. I mean seriously.  She actually BELIEVES he was holding onto condoms for his friend” and then wed sit back and have a good laugh. Hahaha Hehe he. Yea, no. So I catch myself and I’m like whoa you’re weird. I know I’m not, we all talk to ourselves, but I was actually talking to people on the TV. I’m thinking it might be time to get a hobby. Lol. Or friends…..that don’t suck.

So what else is going on in my life hrmm. I could fill you in on my birthday I guess…since it’s a thrilling fantastical story. Just kidding. Tim actually bought me a giant Teddy bear holding a heart. ( Get the awwwws out, I hate sappy shit) some roses,  and m&ms. I LOVE M&MS. He also put a couple hundred on my amazon account. Which,  is AWESOME. Because now,  I can waste time browsing amazon and buy shit. Which of course means, I haven’t found SHIT that I want. Let me broke though and I’ll think of a hundred things I need [or want] We also ordered food because I’m lazy…and had cake and ice cream.  Then went to bed. There it is….you can stop holding your breath now. 

Anyone ever had a dream, where you woke up from it and immediately wanted to punch someone in the face? I did. Last night.  Made me pissy all damn day. Then ive had one of those days where you get that “gut feeling” something is off. So I’m like on covert op status. Everything and everyone is suspect…am I being lied to, is someone trying to fuck up my life in some way. Are my children plotting my death behind my back,  is someone I trust and love betraying me, lying to me, going to rob me. Here is the shitty part to almost ALL of that.  90% of it has ALREADY been done to me. I was supposed to go with my uncle today to his appt. I couldn’t go. Why? Because something in the back of my mind was like, no. Here’s the thing.  I’m surrounded by drug addicts. Both literally and metaphorically. Ok let me rephrase that,  not literally…like I don’t have heroin, coke and meth addicts encroaching over my physical body lol. But I’m in pretty close proximity to a lot of them. So I notice a few shady characters outside of my house…and I’m like ok I can’t leave.  No one is here to keep an eye on the house. I’m not rich by any standards but I have a few valuable things Tim and I have spent years acquiring. It’s kind of sad that I can’t feel confidant leaving my own house for an hour without it being robbed.

Ok. Here comes the next part of this. I am NOT putting addicts down, I’m not saying all addicts are thieves.  They’re not. This is what I do KNOW for fact. Addiction,  and withdrawal will make even some of the strongest people make horrible decisions.  They will steal from family and friends.  They will steal from stores. A person you once called brother,  sister,  mom,  dad, friend are not the same people when they’re addicted.  The addiction takes over.  The sickness takes over. And yeah once they’re straight and feeling better,  they’ll regret fucking you over.  But it won’t stop them from doing it again once they’re sick again.  It’s a nasty cycle.  And if someone you loved will do it, shady dudes in the street sure as hell will. 

It’s my birthday and….

Ok so it’s my birthday.  38. Seems like a young age,  but considering 10 years ago honestly I’m surprised I’m here lol. I used to say I’d never make it to 30. Trust me when I say it was entirely not  a possibility I wouldn’t.  Dependant on drugs, drinking too much,  driving too fast and untreated mental illness. Kind of a deadly combination.  But here I fucking am lol. Still kicking.  You go girl. 

I wanted to touch on a few comments on facebook and here while I’m blogging…don’t get me wrong I have friends.  I’m not blaming anyone for me being lonely.  It’s a self imposed loneliness. I choose to be alone.  Not because I hate people,  I don’t.  That being said I don’t TRUST people.  In general.  No I’m not a cynic I’m not a pessimist.  I’m a realist.  The majority of people do not care about other people.  The majority of people I’ve personally known,  are selfish, self serving and untrustworthy.  That’s not “in my head” it’s based on factual events and circumstances.  Keep in mind however,  up until recently, it was the company I kept.  I’m not saying down with society everyone sucks. I’m saying a lot of people just do. Plain and simple.  Depressing shit to think about on a birthday,  but hey that’s life.  I have some real good friends,  that I should see more often, do things with. I just don’t.  But hey guys,  you know I love you regardless.

Also, I was told my writing was also the same as how I talk. Honest, blunt and to the point.  Lol true enough.  I’m not writing to make friends.  I just needed an outlet, figured this might help. I havent had a terrible life, but it sure as hell wasn’t easy either.  I’m not a therapist,  not a counselor.  I’m just someone whose seen a lot of shit, done a lot of things.  Lived a long life in a short 38 years. Figured I’d impart a little wisdom to people who might want to hear it….or laugh at it. I just hope my writing brings something out. Even if it’s a laugh.  And if it doesn’t, screw you.  I’m funny.  😄

I know you’re all dying in anticipation of what I’m doing today to celebrate.  It’s 2pm. So far I’ve done nothing to celebrate.  I have however helped Tim [my old man] clean out rabbit cages, mop floors,  do dishes and clean and polish my old hutch. Hey don’t hate. My kitchen looks phenomenal.  It’s just another day. Birthdays don’t mean shit after 21. Or after 90 when you’re like wtf, how long is this shit gonna drag on for….but you know what….that’s kind of a lie. Here’s some of that wisdom I said I’d share…

Birthdays matter. I wouldn’t be here writing if I wasn’t born. I wouldn’t be a mother to my beautiful children,  a sister,  a daughter,  niece….I wouldn’t be a friend or surrogate parent if I wasn’t born. I wouldn’t be a lover,  a best friend or confidante. I wouldn’t be….anything.  So why wouldn’t ANY birthday matter, regardless of time.  It’s an accomplishment,  it’s another year that I made it through illnesses, sadness, memories. Another year where I was a part of something much greater than myself.  Is asking for one to have all of that acknowledged too much to ask? Listen, I’m not talking about MY birthday.  I’m talking about anyone’s birthday. How much time does it take, to call?  To say whatever it is you think needs to be heard, and what better day to do it on? To say to that person, hey if you weren’t born on this day, I wouldn’t have an awesome mom/dad who gave up soooo much for me, an awesome daughter/son that despite everything all the mistakes they may have made that you’re proud of them,  a wife/husband to say thank you for all that you do everyday, every night. For your love your compassion and just for putting up with my shit. A birthday isn’t just a day. It’s a special day for that person. And for YOU too, because you’re celebrating their life….which includes you.  

That’s my blog for today. Thanks for reading it. Or skimming through it. Have a good day everyone.  

Happy birthday to Me!

 

 

 

 

My purpose in life…

Ok. Let’s get this out in the open.  I’ve never written a blog before.  Honestly not even sure why I’m doing it. Aside from the crippling loneliness that is indeed my life.

I’m not talking about “loneliness” where I’m a shut in, a recluse hermit living in a cabin in deep woods. I’m talking about the kind of loneliness that happens when your children are all too grown to take care of. ( Aside from financially and emotionally) that shit never stops. The loneliness that comes from sitting in your house 8, 10 hours a day with only the voice of criminal minds or call of Duty players in the background, keeping you company.

Aah. I can hear the collective sighs from the people reading this. Either in total understanding, total apathy or disgust. I don’t care. It’s my blog. So I’m going to keep going.  I know some asshole is thinking ‘ if you’re unhappy,  only you can fix it’ …..listen up. Life really isn’t quite that easy. I suffer from a multitude of bullshit illnesses. Both physical and mental. The physical I can push through but the mental….not so much.

I’m going to give you kind of a play by play here. I hate, HATE being around most people. I don’t mean close quarters. I mean in general. Grocery shopping for me is a total nightmare. The smells, lights. Screaming children.  Seriously, stop bringing your screaming children shopping. I don’t mean infants they’re supposed to cry. I’m talking about your spoiled rotten 5/6 year olds who are throwing themselves into the fucking aisles because they want pop tarts, or lucky charms and you just keep perusing the shelves like it’s normal. IT’S NOT.  BE A PARENT. 

How does the aforementioned above paragraph have anything to do with my loneliness….it doesn’t. Hence the mental illness shit I mentioned.  Mind racing. But I guess in a way it does honestly because it’s shit like that,  that makes it hard for me to leave. Not just a screaming child.  All of it, is too much. The noises smells and lights.  It’s like a knife scratching on a plate. ( Sorry to everyone who just cringed) kind of brings me to this. Rock and a hard place. I hate feeling lonely but can’t stand crowds. Quite the conundrum.

I’ve tried to get better. Lithium Prozac seroquel ativan alprazolam clonazepam Paxil amitryptiline….Depakote respiridone…the list goes on and on. They all work. For a bit. The side effects are both amusing and terrifying. I’ve hallucinated, become suicidal, homicidal. Not funny at the time,  even now some weren’t funny. But those were more acceptable than the final outcome. Feeling nothing.  A zombie. So I stopped the medicines. Ironically I feel better with the mind racing and emotional rollercoaster than I do feeling nothing.  Now I feel an ABSOLUTE NEED to stress this.  Please, please do not stop your meds if you’re taking them.  If you want off them there are appropriate ways to wean off them. Stopping them abruptly can cause all kinds of fucked up things to happen. And honestly some of you crazy bastards need them. 😃

We’ll it’s not quite 7am. The day just started and for now I’m done talking. Maybe I’ll add more later, maybe I’ll never blog again but for now I bid my readers adieu. Feel free to comment,  insult or ask questions. I’ll be around.  Obviously lol.